Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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