All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
