and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
