I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
