Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
