Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
