Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
