Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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