My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
