oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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