the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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