Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
