I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
