i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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