Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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