Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
