you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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