do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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