I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
