Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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