Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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