Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
