woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
