well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
