wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
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We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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