Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
