i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
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Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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