You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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