I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
