how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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