i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
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I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Pants are for mortals
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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