did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
