um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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