I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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