I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
