i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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