I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice