rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great