smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
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I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
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I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.