I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
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def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
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I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"