After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
