I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
