Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
