Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He felt like a one man threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize