im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
