phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
