i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
