I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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