I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
