she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
