I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
