I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
There are leaves in my underwear?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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