if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Can I color on your dick again?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
