The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
