fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
