New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
