So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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